It was late afternoon. The refreshing summer breeze made the leaves sing and made her hair dance around her face. Then suddenly, there was stillness as the branches abruptly stopped swaying in the wind and she was surrounded by silence.
The sun's slanted rays beated down on her back as she lied peacefully, writing in her beloved notebook.
The sky was a deep blue - so blue that it was almost purple, if that makes sense in any way. The sounds of the neighbourhod did little to disturb this moment of tranquility in her backyard (even though construction workers had begun hammering nails quite loudly a few houses down).
She took a deep breath - savouring the sweet smell of grass mixed with the earthy scent that always comes with summer - and then exhaled with a content expression on her face.
No responsibilities. No obligations. Nothing mattered except that she was alive that day in order to enjoy such a delightful summer afternoon in utter solitude and quiescence.
Out of the corner of the eye, she spotted a little spider inching towards her menacingly.
Eep! She hated spiders.
And with that, she tore herself away from this rare moment of peace in her hectic life, and walked slowly back towards the house. Glancing back at the streams of golden sunlight washing over the porch with an expression of intense longing - she sighed.
How do people find their passions? Is it through the process of continuously doing something that you enjoy? Or does it just suddenly come smack you in the face?
To be honest, the people that I envy most are those that know what their passions are and sacrifice everything in order to pursue these passions.
Personally, I don't believe I have found such a passion. I've always dabbled in things but never really fell in love with doing something enough to commit myself to it. I've danced, swam, done gymnastics, skateboarded, snowboarded, played the piano, trombone, and guitar, as well as sewed, cross-stitched, drew, and took photographs, and SOO many more things that I can't think of at the moment. But the thing is, I always stick with one thing up to a certain point before I get bored and move on to the next thing. Of course, I still do some of these things, but I would not say they are my passions.
Looking at other blogs (ie. KARLA'S CLOSET, authorblog, or Thumbelina), I see people who are able to convey their passions, in things such as art, writing, photography, and fashion. I envy them VERY much! Sometimes I wish someone would just come up to me and tell me what my passion is, just to make things easier. But of course, life does not work out that way. And I'm sure that one day I'll look back and be glad that I'd experienced so many things in order to find my passion in life.
But I guess I might be using this as an excuse for me not being able to truly excel in something? Perhaps I'm too scatter-brained, undecided, or maybe I'm just trying to be good at too many things at once? But whenever I see people who excel in doing something they love because they've dedicated their time and energy for their passions, I'm just like dayumm I wish I had that!
I've been thinking about what I want this blog to be about...like do I want it to be a fashion blog? A photography blog? A narrative-type of blog?
Honestly, I have no clue. I'll probably end up doing a little bit of everything, since that's just what I do. But mostly, this blog is for my thoughts and inspirations, questions and answers, and other ideas that may be floating about in my head.
Anyways, talking about passions makes me think of passionfruit. I don't think I've ever tried passionfruit before, but from the looks of it, it kind of looks like a cross between a fig and a papaya, and I don't like either of those fruits very much...
Why are passionfruit called passionfruit anyways?? Hm..
Oh, and here's a song that I've been totally obsessedwith the past couple days!
I received my grades for the past semester, and they were HORRIBLE...well they weren't horrible, but they were much worse than I had expected them to be and my grades from first semester were actually incredibly HORRIBLE so my cumulative average came out to be a very low B. :'(
I have no idea how I am going to be accepted into med school with these grades. I really have to step up my game...in all aspects. But just the thought of having to do exceptionally well in everything I do for the next 3 years is absolutely TERRIFYING! It just puts so much pressure on every little thing I do, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy the next 3 years of uni...But then "you have to do things you don't enjoy in order to get to do things you do enjoy," as my mother would say.
Well, I really hope everyone else is having a better day than I am, because today was pretty depressing. PLUS I feel like I'm gaining weight, even though I'm eating less, AND I just finished washing like a MASSIVE mountain of dirty dishes, which didn't make me feel any better.
GAHH..this is a depressing post, I should just probably put you out of your misery and stop ranting.
Anyways, hope you laugh always! I know that most of you are aware that laughter makes your day a hella better, but supposedly, even faking laughter can make you feel up to 20% better on bad days. So, I'm thinking I'm gonna check it out, I'll let you know if it actually works in the next post! ;)
..My parents are going to think I'm a freak when they hear me going off like a hyena in my room by myself...but then, they already think I'm pretty strange :/ Lol
Well...technically it's spring, but school's out for good 'til September...YESS!!
As of right now, my summer break is still on the drawing board. I want this summer to be productive and memorable, unlike many past summers, which mostly consisted of me lazing around in the sun all day (which is very enjoyable, but not very productive or memorable).
Other plans I have for this summer include:
- getting a job (part-time, volunteer, or possibly both, depending on what happens) - finally getting my Bronze Cross and NLS - getting my G2 driver's license - umm..shopping like crazy - I have to make up for the shopping drought I had to endure during the school year - losing the weight I gained over the past 8 months - possibly join an Ultimate Frisbee league... - learning how to play Surrender by Billy Talent on the guitar lol - reviewing school work (fun, I know...) - visit a foreign country...doesn't matter where, just not in Canada/U.S.!
Hopefully, I'll be able to fulfill all of these goals and plans this summer!
A brief list of what's going on in my life/ random thoughts/ whatever else I can think of:
1. Currently listening to: Where You Gonna Go by The Clash
2. Wearing: black tank and sweats - which will basically be my outfit every day until exams are over. Ugh I always become such a mess as soon as the stress hits me; my room looks like a disaster area right now.
3. I just pulled an all-nighter because I had my chem final yesterday (1 down; 2 to go!), and my sleeping pattern was all screwed up due to my last minute cram session. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake until a reasonable hour before falling asleep.
4. Don't you ever wish that humans could go days without feeling tired? Don't get me wrong, I love my sleep, but sometimes I feel like I could save so much time if I could somehow not sleep...Buuut I've learned time and time again that going without sleep is not a good idea; the day after always SUCKS regardless of how many cups of coffee I drink and I have the lowest tolerance for tiredness...and hunger. I'm a simple girl with simple needs, give me food and a good book and I'll be content for the rest of my life. :) At least, I think so...
5. You know what the problem is with college dorm rooms? The beds are right next to the desk, so as soon as you feel the slightest bit tired, your beds right there! It's very counterproductive during exam time.
6. Visiting people's fashion blogs this morning has made me really feel the pain of being a broke university student. I have a grand total of 7 bucks right now! Thank God I still have a lot of money on my meal plan, otherwise I'd be starving! My only consolation comes from the fact that school will be over in 2 weeks...WooooooO!!!!!!!!
7. I'm feeling really tired right now despite the fact that I've only been up for 11 hours. I really hope I can be somewhat productive today and prepare for my upcoming philosophy exam. Gotta read Nietzsche today!
8. I didn't say anything about this in the earlier posts, but I've been phoneless for about 2 weeks. I left my phone charger at home when I went back for the weekend, and I don't know anyone that has an LG Keybo...like seriously, I haven't seen ANYONE with the same phone as me, except for Blair on Gossip Girl haha. I guess that's a good thing...at least I don't have an issue of "conforming to the masses" and getting an iphone or a Blackberry - although I would loove to get a Blackberry! It seems so convenient to carry around your entire life in your purse! Well anyways, I'm getting my charger back today...FINALLY!!
9. I'm starving. I really miss my mom's cooking right now...I think that's what I miss most about home actually aha, oh and I miss my brothers too~
10. Now listening to: If You Seek Amy by Britney Spears. I was so surprised when I heard that 'if you seek amy' was supposed to sound like 'f - u - c - k - me', I had absolutely no idea!
Anywhoo, I'm off to clean up the aftermath of my hectic cramming session! Hope everyone has an awesome, productive day!
So I was watching episode 7 of ANTM just now, and while I was praying to God that Tahlia would be sent home this episode, it dawned on me that she reminded me of myself. :/
It's weird because I find her to be the most FRUSTRATING person I have ever watched on ANTM and I don't understand how the hell she made it so far in the competition! She's constantly saying that she has to bring it, but she never does. I think she has too little confidence in herself, and I also think she's too lazy to push herself harder to get outside of her little shell. It really pisses me off because she knows her flaws, wants to fix them, but doesn't!
The reason she reminds me of myself is because I too know my flaws (and I should, seeing how much time I spend analyzing myself and my plethora of flaws) and I know what needs to be fixed, but I never seem to be able to DO anything about them! Like right now, I know that I should be studying like crazy for my Chem exam that's coming up in TWO FREAKIN' DAYS, but instead, I'm watching America's Next Top Model and then blogging about it! I'm seriously hopeless...
What she said after her elimination (FINALLY!) was the following, "I held back in this competition, and I think that's what killed me in the end, but at the same time, it's who I am."
Like, what the hell?! It's like her downfall is also a source of her consolation, which is really twisted. I don't think that I resemble that at all (I hope not!). But on second thought, I think I do actually pride myself in knowing that it's me that is holding myself back, and that if I choose to, I can succeed in anything I do. Deep down I know that overcoming myself and my tendency to procrastinate will be one of my greatest obstacles, yet I still pride myself on simply knowing this fact, even if I don't actually do anything about it.
Thus, I have made a decision:
If I do ever fail at something, I will always learn from my mistakes and not be complacent with "who I may be" at that time. I will always strive to be better and never become stagnant.
It really makes me frustrated to see that a person who resembles me is someone that I would not be proud to be like AT ALL. My only consolation comes from the fact that I am NOT Tahlia, that I CAN change, and I will NOT be complacent with who I am, and hopefully this will make me become a better person that who I am now!
On that note, I should probably go and start studying for my exam! :)
Today was D-day. It was the conclusion; the end; the finale. The last day of classes...
"WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCHOOL'S OUT BITCHES!!!!" was what I thought I would say, but with the looming doom of exams just beyond the horizon, I kind of get the feeling that today will be my last day of freedom.
Who would have thought that I - the slacker who never manages to make it out of bed before 3 in the afternoon, much less make it to lectures - would ever see my last day of classes as my last day of freedom?!
Well...I'll definitely be taking advantage of this last day of freedom: I have plans with friends who live a floor above me to drink our stress away tonight, before the intense pre-exam cramming begins.
Going to my final class today, I realized that I had not made any true friends throughout the year. Sure, I always had someone to sit with and talk to, but I had never really bonded with anyone throughout the year. I found that the two people that I had been the closest to at the beginning of the year had become strangers to me, and I had little to say to them.
It's quite sad actually, how relationships end so abruptly and easily.
I realized, as I was walking back to my residence, that I need to try to make friends, and want to make friends. I think that I am afraid to try or to really want something. Perhaps it's from a fear of failure, or fear of disappointment? Perhaps it's my goddamn pride? I really don't know, but I do know that I have always looked down on those who actually tried in school, or in anything for that matter. For some reason, I perceived it as weakness; I believed that if someone was really strong, they wouldn't need to try - they would succeed despite all odds.
But now I realize that I was being stupid. I look around, and see all the unfamiliar faces that I missed out on getting to know.
Recently, I've been trying harder to go up to people and be friendly, and I can already see a difference - in myself and in how people perceive me. It's just a shame that I had to figure this out so late.
Looking back at my last post, I wonder what it would be like when I'm over 80, and nearing the end of my life? Would it feel as though there is a clock ticking, as if I have to rush and do everything that I want to do before I die? Would it feel like today - the final day of class? As if I had missed out on so many opportunities?
If I feel this crappy about missing out on opportunites this past year, how horrible would I feel after 80 years?
The quote, "Live every day as if it is your last," has become a platitude for a reason. It's a truth, and everyone should live by it. Not just say it, but actually live by it. Easier said than done, I know.
But I want to live my life so that I will not have another bittersweet finale like the one I experienced today. No more looking back and wishing that I had tried harder, worked harder, partied harder, or laughed harder.
I think I'll start eating bittersweet dark chocolate every day as a reminder or something...except I hate dark chocolate...and all other types of chocolate for that matter haha
Okay, so I just had the GREATEST epiphany today...
...well okay, maybe it wasn't that great an epiphany...
...or an epiphany at all...
But it caught your attention, right? (Assuming that someone will read this sometime in the distant future).
Okay, so my kinda-sorta-epiphany occurred while I was at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive (obviously). It was a surprisingly sunny day for early April, so I was like fully dressed in winter clothes, carrying my humongous (WOW...definitely spent like 5 minutes trying to figure out how to spell that word) backpack, and very anxious to get back to my residence after studying at Second Cup for a good 5 hours (I must say that I was extremely shocked/proud of myself).
Anyways, there was this old lady standing beside me, and needless to say, I wasn't really in a talking mood (not that I ever am...I enjoy listening to people talk and (trying to)psychoanalyze them...Muahaha!) Well this old lady was one of those going senile-lonely-very talkative with everyone-can't take a hint-type of old lady, and of course, she comes up to me and starts chatting about everything: how long the bus is taking, how she changed doctors after her heart surgery and should be taking medication right now but doesn't want to, how she never wins the Roll-Up-the-Rim contests whenever she goes to Tim Hortons, even though her brother won a free donut and her cousin won a free coffee, how she couldn't believe she was sixty already, and she kept bringing up stories about nephews, cousins, etc. who she didn't see anymore, but was planning on visiting.
Now that I think about it, I feel like I know her better than a lot of my friends, and I only talked to her for 10 minutes! Well actually she did most of the talking, all I was did was nod occasionally, say "uh huh...", "yeah", or "oh really?", and smile drily. At the same time, without the old lady noticing, I was slowly taking tiny steps away from her whenever she turned away for a second, and eventually I got out of hearing range of her voice :). I was freeeee~!!!
Yeah, I know, it wasn't really nice. I kept telling myself that it wouldn't kill me to be friendly for a few minutes, and that she was probably a very lonely person who just needed a friend, even for a brief moment in time. But even telling myself that I could gain something from it - that being friendly to her would improve my communication skills for building future doctor-patient rapport - did not tempt me at all.
I personally feel really lost when I'm around old people - I guess I lack empathy, because I can't relate to people at all. I'll probably become one of those old crazy cat ladies when I'm old and regret never learning how to relate to other people.
I also blame it on the fact that I was never really close to either of my grandparents. The fact that they lived halfway across the world from me made it a tad difficult, and then the cultural/language-barrier on top of that made it downright painful.
In a way, I view people over the age of 65 as a completely different race...But I'm kind of in a rush so I'll talk about that another day.
As for my kinda-sorta-'epiphany', it occurred during the process of trying to convince myself that being friendly was the best way to go. So, while the little devil and angel on my shoulders were beating the shit out of each other, I tried to picture myself as the future Me, or who I wanted to be like (like a role model), and I couldn't think of ANYONE. Of course, I can think of tons right now, but at that moment, my mind just went blank. I was just like, 'This is not good.' Like COME ON, I'm already having enough trouble as it is, trying to figure out who I am now (which is weird since I'm done going through puberty, being that I'm 18) and trying to see where I fit in in this vast world. But I always thought that I had a clear goal ahead of me; that if my goal was vivid in my mind, I would never lose hope or lose motivation. But recently I've been noticing that my goals are changing, but instead of changing for the better, they're just becoming jumbled in my mind and I have nooo idea what I want to do now, or who I want to be.
I used to want to be a surgeon - a cardiac surgeon, to be exact. I would travel to Africa and help build better healthcare facilities and also be a part-time missionary...
It all sounded so perfect - too perfect, in fact. It was just all too planned out. I wanted a little bit of spontaneity, some excitement in my life.
So then, I wanted to be one of those 'free-spirits' (not the druggie kinds though), who travel to exotic countries on a whim, and have no responsibilities at all. But if I did try to live that kind of life, I knew that I wouldn't be happy because I'm the type of person that strives off order, even though my mess of a room doesn't really show that.
I know now that I need some kind of balance between creativity and order - not that one can't be creative and orderly at the same time. It's just a bit more difficult.
But other than that...I DON'T HAVE A CLUE!
Yep. That was it. That was my great epiphany. I'm brilliant, I know.
Okay, so it was kind of simple...but hey, there might be people living their lives thinking that they GOT IT; that they HAVE THE CLUE...but one day, you might just end up talking to a random woman on the street and realize that you TOO don't have a clue!
Not that I'm secretly hoping that would happen or anything...:P
But this idea of mine provides a nice intro for the theme of my next couple of posts, which will be all about trying to find and define my "identity" and also trying to figure out my "future goals".
Sounds lame, I know. But, I think everyone needs to go through this phase of "finding yourself", and for me, that time is now. I'm hoping that by writing things down, and 'reflecting' as some people would say, I'll get to know myself better.
Hopefully, what I find out about myself is better than what I think it will be.
Anyways, I have to go hand in my philosophy paper which is 5 days overdue... D:
I'm trying to figure out a sweet way to end my posts, like the "You know you love me...XOXO, Gossip Girl" from my absolute FAAAVE TV show, Gossip Girls, but using that would be just sooo unoriginal. And I pride myself on the little creativity that I have, because most of the "creativity" genes in the family went to my youngest brother. I got stuck with the "ugly eyebrows" and "procrastinator" genes. Oh joy!
Hmmmm....I don't want to end with "Love," because that's just sooo not me, and I'm not sure I love you...whoever you are...(LOL! I'm totally kidding, I'm sure I would love whoever would spend their time reading my blog, of all the things they could be doing). I don't want to end with "Yours truly," because that just makes me sound all proper. How about instead of "Love always," I could say, "Laugh always,"? A little cheesy, but I always surprise myself after I have a really good laugh because it feels so unfamiliar to me. So, I think everyone should have a good laugh at LEAST once a week.
Holy crap, that's not even a lot, maybe I just don't laugh as much as other people. :(
Like I do laugh, but it's not those laughs where you can't stop laughing, like "HAHAHAHA!!!", but it's always like those shallow little "hahaaa...." laughs that always fade away and it doesn't have any effect on how you feel at all.
I hope no one else has this problem, but I'm pretty sure many people do...and that sucks, because living without laughing isn't living at all! (I'm turning into a regular cheeseball now :D :D)
I wish I was extremely hilarious and witty and could make everyone who read this laugh so hard they cried, but unfortunately the "witty" gene went to my youngest brother as well (he also got the "lucky" gene, if you couldn't tell..haaaah!). He's four years younger than me and he could out-diss me since he hit grade 6!
So, I'm sorry, but I'm just kind of lacking in the "wits" department, and me trying to be funny will make everyone actually cry.
