First Post!!

Okay, so I just had the GREATEST epiphany today...

...well okay, maybe it wasn't that great an epiphany...

...or an epiphany at all...

But it caught your attention, right? (Assuming that someone will read this sometime in the distant future).

Okay, so my kinda-sorta-epiphany occurred while I was at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive (obviously). It was a surprisingly sunny day for early April, so I was like fully dressed in winter clothes, carrying my humongous (WOW...definitely spent like 5 minutes trying to figure out how to spell that word) backpack, and very anxious to get back to my residence after studying at Second Cup for a good 5 hours (I must say that I was extremely shocked/proud of myself).

Anyways, there was this old lady standing beside me, and needless to say, I wasn't really in a talking mood (not that I ever am...I enjoy listening to people talk and (trying to)psychoanalyze them...Muahaha!) Well this old lady was one of those going senile-lonely-very talkative with everyone-can't take a hint-type of old lady, and of course, she comes up to me and starts chatting about everything: how long the bus is taking, how she changed doctors after her heart surgery and should be taking medication right now but doesn't want to, how she never wins the Roll-Up-the-Rim contests whenever she goes to Tim Hortons, even though her brother won a free donut and her cousin won a free coffee, how she couldn't believe she was sixty already, and she kept bringing up stories about nephews, cousins, etc. who she didn't see anymore, but was planning on visiting.

Now that I think about it, I feel like I know her better than a lot of my friends, and I only talked to her for 10 minutes! Well actually she did most of the talking, all I was did was nod occasionally, say "uh huh...", "yeah", or "oh really?", and smile drily. At the same time, without the old lady noticing, I was slowly taking tiny steps away from her whenever she turned away for a second, and eventually I got out of hearing range of her voice :). I was freeeee~!!!

Yeah, I know, it wasn't really nice. I kept telling myself that it wouldn't kill me to be friendly for a few minutes, and that she was probably a very lonely person who just needed a friend, even for a brief moment in time. But even telling myself that I could gain something from it - that being friendly to her would improve my communication skills for building future doctor-patient rapport - did not tempt me at all.

I personally feel really lost when I'm around old people - I guess I lack empathy, because I can't relate to people at all. I'll probably become one of those old crazy cat ladies when I'm old and regret never learning how to relate to other people.

I also blame it on the fact that I was never really close to either of my grandparents. The fact that they lived halfway across the world from me made it a tad difficult, and then the cultural/language-barrier on top of that made it downright painful.

In a way, I view people over the age of 65 as a completely different race...But I'm kind of in a rush so I'll talk about that another day.

As for my kinda-sorta-'epiphany', it occurred during the process of trying to convince myself that being friendly was the best way to go. So, while the little devil and angel on my shoulders were beating the shit out of each other, I tried to picture myself as the future Me, or who I wanted to be like (like a role model), and I couldn't think of ANYONE. Of course, I can think of tons right now, but at that moment, my mind just went blank. I was just like, 'This is not good.' Like COME ON, I'm already having enough trouble as it is, trying to figure out who I am now (which is weird since I'm done going through puberty, being that I'm 18) and trying to see where I fit in in this vast world. But I always thought that I had a clear goal ahead of me; that if my goal was vivid in my mind, I would never lose hope or lose motivation. But recently I've been noticing that my goals are changing, but instead of changing for the better, they're just becoming jumbled in my mind and I have nooo idea what I want to do now, or who I want to be.

I used to want to be a surgeon - a cardiac surgeon, to be exact. I would travel to Africa and help build better healthcare facilities and also be a part-time missionary...

It all sounded so perfect - too perfect, in fact. It was just all too planned out. I wanted a little bit of spontaneity, some excitement in my life.

So then, I wanted to be one of those 'free-spirits' (not the druggie kinds though), who travel to exotic countries on a whim, and have no responsibilities at all. But if I did try to live that kind of life, I knew that I wouldn't be happy because I'm the type of person that strives off order, even though my mess of a room doesn't really show that.

I know now that I need some kind of balance between creativity and order - not that one can't be creative and orderly at the same time. It's just a bit more difficult.

But other than that...I DON'T HAVE A CLUE!

Yep. That was it. That was my great epiphany. I'm brilliant, I know.

Okay, so it was kind of simple...but hey, there might be people living their lives thinking that they GOT IT; that they HAVE THE CLUE...but one day, you might just end up talking to a random woman on the street and realize that you TOO don't have a clue!

Not that I'm secretly hoping that would happen or anything...:P

But this idea of mine provides a nice intro for the theme of my next couple of posts, which will be all about trying to find and define my "identity" and also trying to figure out my "future goals".

Sounds lame, I know. But, I think everyone needs to go through this phase of "finding yourself", and for me, that time is now. I'm hoping that by writing things down, and 'reflecting' as some people would say, I'll get to know myself better.

Hopefully, what I find out about myself is better than what I think it will be.

Anyways, I have to go hand in my philosophy paper which is 5 days overdue... D:

I'm trying to figure out a sweet way to end my posts, like the "You know you love me...XOXO, Gossip Girl" from my absolute FAAAVE TV show, Gossip Girls, but using that would be just sooo unoriginal. And I pride myself on the little creativity that I have, because most of the "creativity" genes in the family went to my youngest brother. I got stuck with the "ugly eyebrows" and "procrastinator" genes. Oh joy!

Hmmmm....I don't want to end with "Love," because that's just sooo not me, and I'm not sure I love you...whoever you are...(LOL! I'm totally kidding, I'm sure I would love whoever would spend their time reading my blog, of all the things they could be doing). I don't want to end with "Yours truly," because that just makes me sound all proper. How about instead of "Love always," I could say, "Laugh always,"? A little cheesy, but I always surprise myself after I have a really good laugh because it feels so unfamiliar to me. So, I think everyone should have a good laugh at LEAST once a week.

Holy crap, that's not even a lot, maybe I just don't laugh as much as other people. :(

Like I do laugh, but it's not those laughs where you can't stop laughing, like "HAHAHAHA!!!", but it's always like those shallow little "hahaaa...." laughs that always fade away and it doesn't have any effect on how you feel at all.

I hope no one else has this problem, but I'm pretty sure many people do...and that sucks, because living without laughing isn't living at all! (I'm turning into a regular cheeseball now :D :D)

I wish I was extremely hilarious and witty and could make everyone who read this laugh so hard they cried, but unfortunately the "witty" gene went to my youngest brother as well (he also got the "lucky" gene, if you couldn't tell..haaaah!). He's four years younger than me and he could out-diss me since he hit grade 6!

So, I'm sorry, but I'm just kind of lacking in the "wits" department, and me trying to be funny will make everyone actually cry.

Anywhoo...I should get going now!

You better... Laugh Always!!

-Kim*R ;D