Bittersweet Finale

Today was D-day. It was the conclusion; the end; the finale. The last day of classes...

"WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCHOOL'S OUT BITCHES!!!!" was what I thought I would say, but with the looming doom of exams just beyond the horizon, I kind of get the feeling that today will be my last day of freedom.

Who would have thought that I - the slacker who never manages to make it out of bed before 3 in the afternoon, much less make it to lectures - would ever see my last day of classes as my last day of freedom?!

Well...I'll definitely be taking advantage of this last day of freedom: I have plans with friends who live a floor above me to drink our stress away tonight, before the intense pre-exam cramming begins.

Going to my final class today, I realized that I had not made any true friends throughout the year. Sure, I always had someone to sit with and talk to, but I had never really bonded with anyone throughout the year. I found that the two people that I had been the closest to at the beginning of the year had become strangers to me, and I had little to say to them.

It's quite sad actually, how relationships end so abruptly and easily.

I realized, as I was walking back to my residence, that I need to try to make friends, and want to make friends. I think that I am afraid to try or to really want something. Perhaps it's from a fear of failure, or fear of disappointment? Perhaps it's my goddamn pride? I really don't know, but I do know that I have always looked down on those who actually tried in school, or in anything for that matter. For some reason, I perceived it as weakness; I believed that if someone was really strong, they wouldn't need to try - they would succeed despite all odds.

But now I realize that I was being stupid. I look around, and see all the unfamiliar faces that I missed out on getting to know.

Recently, I've been trying harder to go up to people and be friendly, and I can already see a difference - in myself and in how people perceive me. It's just a shame that I had to figure this out so late.

Looking back at my last post, I wonder what it would be like when I'm over 80, and nearing the end of my life? Would it feel as though there is a clock ticking, as if I have to rush and do everything that I want to do before I die? Would it feel like today - the final day of class? As if I had missed out on so many opportunities?

If I feel this crappy about missing out on opportunites this past year, how horrible would I feel after 80 years?

The quote, "Live every day as if it is your last," has become a platitude for a reason. It's a truth, and everyone should live by it. Not just say it, but actually live by it. Easier said than done, I know.

But I want to live my life so that I will not have another bittersweet finale like the one I experienced today. No more looking back and wishing that I had tried harder, worked harder, partied harder, or laughed harder.

I think I'll start eating bittersweet dark chocolate every day as a reminder or something...except I hate dark chocolate...and all other types of chocolate for that matter haha

Laugh Always~

- Kim*R


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